We All Got "The Sex Talk" Didn't We?

Everyone’s seen at least one of the many scenes in movies and TV shows where the nervous kid experiencing the first signs of puberty listens with a mixture of horror and curiosity to a parent’s awkward explanation of “the birds and the bees.” It is a mainstream assumption throughout America that every good parent initiates this session of warning and fact giving to prepare their child for the complexities of the sex-filled world we live in. But is this assumption true? And if it is in some cases true, what kind of parent-to-child communication is most often taking place surrounding the topic of sex? What other resources do most kids turn to when the sex communication line is not initiated by a parental figure?

            The other day I had a conversation with four or five of my close friends about our parents’ openness in communicating with us about sex and sex education during middle school and high school. Someone asked whether the rest of us had been given “The Talk” by one or both of our parents. Coming from fairly liberal households and family values that stressed building deep and meaningful relationships with our parents, we were all a little surprised to learn that none of us had really built any form of open conversations about sex with our parents. In fact, that, with the exception of the occasional warning to make sure the parents of our boyfriends or girlfriends parents were home, or to keep our bedroom doors open when a significant other was visiting, we had not learned anything we now know about the complexity of navigating sex life directly from our parents.

            A fair amount of research has been done on the different kinds of sex education middle and high school kids are getting in the U.S. and the effects that a variety of communication types has had on the health of a young person’s sex life. While almost every public high school requires it’s students to take a sexual education class before graduating, many of the programs kids are exposed to use a limited set of scare tactics to indorse abstinence and paint a picture of sex as deviant and bad prior to having a stable relationship or marriage. It is rare, today, to find a high school class setting in which teens learn the extent of the rights they have over their own bodies, are adequately informed about contraceptives, are fostered in developing a sense of self-worth and healthy desire, and are encouraged to question the figure of knowledge and authority in the room. 

            So, if this healthy environment of learning and communicating is not being created in schools, it is even more crucial that it be a part of teen’s relationships with their parental figures. A study reported by USA Today stated that of the 2,000 parents questioned about the number of times they have talked with their teens about sex, almost 50% said they talked with their kids very regularly. However, when the teens, themselves, were questioned only about 25% agreed with their parent’s answer. The remaining kids questioned felt that their parents rarely or never addressed topics of sexuality, and that even when they did it was only to advise against all forms of sexual activity. Studies have also shown that when positive lines of communication are opened between kids and their parental figures, teens are less likely to suffer negative psychological experiences related to sexual interactions. Having a rounded base of knowledge about the many dimensions of sex from someone under their own roof also gives teens a valuable resource that helps prevent them from making sexual decisions backed only by peer pressure or friend advice.

             A recent article in often-read Seventeen Magazine took a different approach to bridging the gap between parents and kids and creating conversations about sex. The article, aimed at an audience between 12 and 17, suggests that if you are a teen feeling frustrated, or wishing to communicate with your parents about problems you are having or questions you need answered, you (the teen) should take the first steps to opening up these doors. Seventeen goes on to lay out a complete week-by-week guide to introducing sex as a topic of constructive and two-way conversation with your parents.

             

            There are also many resources available advising parents on the best ways to talk with their children about sex. These resources offer suggest initiating conversations that feel open, inviting and comfortable, rather than the awkward and tense explanation of human body parts and the origin of babies. Communication about sex with parents can be a crucial and shaping part of a person’s early exploration of a sex life. First and foremost, conversations about sex between parents and teens must happen more often, but in addition, in a way that does not feel accusatory or belittling to the child.

-Hannah B. 

  

Sources:

How Parents, Teens Talk About Sex

This article reported on a study done on frequency and content of communication between parents adn their teenage children about sex and sex education. 

http://www.usatoday.com/

Talking To Your Parents About Sex

"Seventeen" offers an article urging teens to open lines of communication with their parents and offers suggestions for initiating conversations about sex-related topics.

http://www.seventeen.com/health/tips/sex-parents-hsp-0404

Communication About Sexual Issues: Mothers, Fathers, and Friends

Science Direct reports a study done evaluating the role that gender plays in parent-child conversations about sex, as well as the role that peers play in an adolescent's sex education.

http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1054139X98001153

The Talk Image

http://bestdemotivationalposters.com/the-talk-father-and-son/

Cartoon Image

http://www.google.com/imgres?q=cartoons+of+birds+and+bees+talk&um

A Glimpse Into Society's Dirty Sex Secrets

Don't just teach women to be careful, Teach men not to rape.

            We have all heard about the recent gang rape and rape protests in Delhi, India that have taken place in the past month. Four men raped a woman while her male companion was beaten unconscious on the floor of a bus(1). The woman died thirteen days later. Many of the media accounts are exploring facets of rape culture that can be applied to societies around the world. The Huffington Post spoke of the patriarchal display in rape:

“Women are thought to be safe when they have a man by their side, and believed to be available for assault if they don’t.”

This statement made me wonder what men must think when they hear this double standard in patriarchy where they can be a woman's protector or her perpetrator. Is it internalized, even unconsciously, that a woman who is alone is a woman they can take advantage of? When a society such as Delhi’s is consistently promoting this norm of patriarchy, where rape on a bus has turned into a sport, how can a man internalize a negative stigma towards rape? The violent act as a societal norm surrounds men not only in what they observe in public, but also from the sexual acts performed in pornographic media consumed privately.

Photo from the Delhi protests. (2)
"Don't tell ur daughter not to go out
tell your son to behave properly"

Worldwide, pornographic films displaying rape, sado-masochism and bondage are extremely popular. These films promote women as property to be taken advantage of. When these are the pornographic films that men are frequently turning to for sexual pleasure, psychologically I would think they must begin to feel sexually aroused when simply thinking of forced sexual acts. This could easily be a factor leading to the influx of men in Delhi, where this is the dominant pornographic style, non-remorsefully raping women to fulfill their sexual needs.

Rape culture is not explicitly present in pornographic media; among many other examples is the very underwear women choose to put on their body. The favored lingerie shop Victoria’s Secret has gained some press lately when, in early December, a spoof VS website(3) was launched promoting a new “Consent is Sexy” line of underwear. Instead of panties plastered with the slogan, “sure thing” they would now read, “ask first.” Social media users praised the new line for its honesty and realization that VS was a part of a large societal issue and that their merchandise promoted rape culture. The spoof site even had then and now pictures describing how each old VS slogan negatively impacts female sexuality and sexual boundaries. 

Cited (3)

After all of the praise and recognition that Victoria’s Secret received for this major breakthrough in their promotion techniques, the company was maybe a bit too quick to deny all accusations that this website was real and that the consent panties would be in stores shortly. By denying this "Pink Loves Consent" website any recognition, VS: a popular lingerie brand geared towards and highly influencing young women, discarded themselves as an outlet for conversation and information about healthy sex. Instead they will continue to advocate their present slogans of limitless availability that make it seem uncool and unsexy to say the word NO and mean it.

In regards to saying NO to sex, did anyone ever learn exactly how to do that? Or just that it was maybe an option if you were the odd one out who did not want to have sex every minute of every day, all the time? The latter was the impression I remember receiving. The way sexual education is set up, adolescents learn the anatomy of their genitals, they see scientific drawings and learn the long names for each part of the genitals. But when does knowing that those flaps of skin are called the labia minora help when you are having sex with a partner? When does knowing I can say NO translate to knowing when and how I need to say NO? We learn what we use our vaginas and penises for, but not how to appreciate those areas of the human body. There is sexual education, and then there is body appreciation. Body appreciation should surely be integrated into sexual education curriculum in order to translate scientific sex organs into parts that can be involved in a healthy relationship. 

When I searched “rape education” in Google, the first six pages of results were devoted to sites inviting women to learn how to protect themselves from perpetrators, not sites inviting men to learn alternative sexual outlets to rape. Rape education and communication is centered on women needing to change themselves in order to feel safe while alone or with large groups of men. Another idea is that she should always having a close male friend with her to keep her safe; the belief that one male can keep a woman safe is simply untrue but many women feel this way, after hearing the account of the Delhi gang rape one can only hope that women rethink this assumption of safety.  A woman preventing rape usually means wearing longer skirts or even pants, and simply not flirting as much. Along with attaching to a male friend, these are three very open-ended prevention tactics that lead me to believe that I cannot express my feminine personality in my clothes of choice and I cannot express my desire for another man openly, for if I do men will assume that I am asking for sex and even when I say no it is flirtatious. Clearly, this is not how it should be and it is sad that this is a part of the sexual culture in which we presently live.

Of course, there is method to the madness of sexual education and rape prevention programs, but there is so much more that needs to be addressed. The responsibility must be taken off of solely the women and handed equally, if not more, to the man or perpetrator in a rape situation. A change in media portrayal of sex would be a monumental first step to take, imagine the impact of Victoria’s Secret actually making "Pink Loves Consent" underwear. Women around the world would see a store that is known for its sexy lingerie promoting the option of saying, 

"NO. I’m sexy but I do not want to have sex with you right now. And that’s okay!"

Cited (5)

 Hopefully we can all envision a world where consent is the societal norm. Where thinking has shifted and the every-day-man desires a woman who knows what she wants and when she wants it, a woman who is not afraid to say her body is hers. Where education teaches men alternative outlets for violent sex acts or therapy towards reducing violent sexual thoughts. Though it may sound surreal, a place where there are options. There is at least proof that women in all areas of the world are rising up to gain possession of their precious bodies, attempting to protect themselves against the normalized possibility of forced sex. 

Let’s start a “Consent is Sexy” Revolution. Right here. Right now. 

Yours truly, Sexy Psychologist Nicole.

Sources cited:

(1) Huffington Post Delhi Rape       
      Inderpal Grewal introduces patriarchy as justifiable by duplicity. Rape being a norm in Delhi, she provides               
        a historical and cultural view of rape from inside of India. 

(2) Photo found on The Virginity Movie Blog, originally from BrownGirlMagazine
      This photo was taken during a protest in Delhi after the gang rape occurred. This photo is striking and 
        almost seems harsh because of its frank request.

(3) Pink Loves Consent
     This website was created as a spoof of Victoria's Secret to make consumers believe VS had created consent      
       sexy underwear rather than promoting limitless availability. The great thing about this website is it was a 
       huge hit and people loved the new line, but VS refuses to embrace the consent is sexy mentality. 
       I was introduced to this site by The Virginity Movie Blog
(4) Consent Word Poem Photograph

     This photo illustrates all of the words that consent is. It does this simply but using an artistic method.